I can be an ass

Depression has ruled a major part of my life. I would estimate that I have spent half of my adult life struggling with depression, anxiety, social phobias, and various other problems that are often cloaked under the umbrella of “depression”.

While I have seen therapists and doctors, there always seems to be symptoms and maladaptive coping skills left over that emerge when I am least expecting them. The medication that I take has helped to minimize their appearance; it has even allowed me to lead a somewhat normal life, but when those maladaptive traits do reveal themselves, they are more likely to blindside me than at any time in the past.

I call those times when maladaptive traits present themselves to be a mind crash. I mentally fall back into a defensive stance and lash out at those that are around me in an attempt to protect myself.

That’s right. I essentially appear to be a complete ass. For no reason that the person can tell, I suddenly become someone that they wish had stayed at work instead of coming home. I am no longer the type of person that they want to be around; for that matter, I am no longer the kind of person that I want to be around either.

I don’t currently have a solution. All I can do is identify the problem. But this is one of the larger things that I still want to change about myself.

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Marisa

I am a writer of words, a thinker of thoughts, a changer of genders, and a queerer of life. I am an antagonist of the ordinary; and while I do tolerate it, I also look at it with contempt.

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